For my family and I, it's another year of blessings. It's December already and time seems to just keep flying by - which is a good thing at times.
We're all looking forward to celebrating Christmas and the New Year with family and friends. The tree goes up this weekend, the shopping has already started in our household - when my wife got me to join her on "Black Friday". It really wasn't so bad as we stayed away from the malls and stuck with the local stores getting a good deal of shopping done.
As for me, I'm keeping my chin up and doing everything I can to stay positive and upbeat - just living life as I should be. Though at times it's not always as easy as it may seem.
One of the things I've discussed here in the past has been how difficult the "not knowing" part of all this can be. For some patients, and even for my wife and myself early on, it was almost paralyzing. The waiting on test results, waiting for and then deciding on the next steps, can all just be rolling around in your head constantly. You just have to do your best to put it all aside . . . laugh, enjoy time with friends and family, put your best efforts in at work or your favorite hobbies.
It's been nearly four months since my last radiation treatment and ADT hormone injection. Outside of dealing with the occasional hot flashes, lack of any sustainable energy level and trying to fight off the additional weight gain from the medications - I've had little to actively do - medically - to fight the cancer. First it was all the tests, bone scans, MRIs, doctors appointments and the like - the surgery and recovery, the eight weeks of radiation and six months of hormone meds. Then suddenly, it all comes to a stop and you feel like you're on your own.
Sure, if I had any issues or real concerns I could call anyone of my 5 doctors and speak with them, but somehow asking about the occasional insomnia, the difficulty keeping my weight down, the odd pains/aches I sometimes feel deep in my shoulders, lower back and legs - all seems trivial and not worth the phone call in comparison to what I've already been through. Besides, I'm not in my 30's anymore and I've been through all that before I had cancer.
In addition to having been four months since my last treatment and doctor's appointment, it's also been four months since my last PSA blood test. Yeah, sure . . . my PSA level had thankfully remained at <0.05 since my sugery 14 months ago. Awesome and blessed news (as I've said countless times here), but knowing that my diagnosis had been changed in March of this year to "metastatic" disease - I have to admit I've been a bit anxious about not being tested for a while. At some point I will only be tested once or twice a year, but it's one of the simplest things that I can have done for my own peace of mind. It kind of makes you think twice about those little pains you feel every so often.
My next PSA test will happen soon enough as I meet with both my medical and radiation oncologists at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center late next week for follow-ups. Of course I don't expect any earth or life shattering news, but at the same time I realize that I'm a bit of a crossroads. As much as I want, and need, to know what my PSA level is - the holidays are here. However unlikely as it may be, I'm honestly afraid to hear that my PSA may have increased as we approach Christmas. The last time I got the bad news about it, my wife and I had just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
So there's my paradox. Of course, I can ask the doctors to not let me know until after the New Year's holiday, and I'd have to fight my urge to check my test results online, but at the same time I'd hardly want to wait to begin any kind of treatment that may be necessary.
OK, maybe I worry too much about all this, and I'm sure everything will be fine. But this is what a cancer diagnosis can do to you - how nuts everything can make you. You just need to stay focused and active in life. Find a prostate cancer advocacy or support group to become involved with like the Prostate Cancer Foundation, Pints for Prostates, Us TOO International or Imerman Angels to do what you can to offer help to others facing what you've experienced in your own cancer battle. It can mean a world of difference to someone who is facing a new diagnosis or about to begin treatment if you would only take the time to talk to them and share your own experiences. I've become involved with each of the above organizations at some level, and I know that I've not only helped other patients, but it's helped me as well. After all, it is the season of giving.
Thanks again for all your love, prayers and support over the last year. It has meant the world to my family and I. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.
CJP
